Sleeping Partners

Sitting in Shankara's class sometimes transports me back to an Japhetian era. Except I'm quite sure the latter meant all the innuendo, and the former just assumes we don't think dirty enough (LOL).

Here are the most recent ones - "The girl is reluctant because I'm looking, but the boy just keeps trying"

"The girl does not protest - she should say, this is not the place - why don't you go under a tree outside?"

Well, yeah, the joke's half lost when it's not delivered right. It's impossible to mimic Shankara's delivery in written language. 

When he isn't making these 'sleazy' comments - he speaks like a statute. "Prakash did not teach is no excuse - you shall be deemed to know mortgages."

Given all this, and his writing the alphabet on the board, he is still one of the better teachers we have (note the use of teacher - and not lecturer). He is completely fair in his evaluation and bias plays no role anywhere. Most importantly, unlike most of the faculty, he knows english.

Addicted

I can't think of a moment in my life when I haven't been addicted. As far back as I can remember with clarity, I have always been addicted to something (there was TT in school, movies in 11th, pool in 12th, alcohol etc in I year. I stop here cos this is possibly where my current addiction took over. There isnt a very clear demarcation and the timelines get grayed. These are just approximate outlines). Most of the time it was harmless, but sometimes it's just degenerate and destructive. My addictions seem to pass only when I find something else to get addicted to (which happens when I get 'bored' of the previous addiction - for instance, I now see no point in playing pool as I have gotten decent at it and don't feel the drive any longer. Or the fact that over 96% of the movies and TV I now watch, I can predict the story to precision halfway through latest - which pretty much beats the purpose of watching it) It's a complete vicious cycle, which I just cannot break. 

This got me thinking. What is the cause of addiction? As always, I find all my answers in movies. I always feel that when in doubt, turn to art. Quite surprisingly, I find my answer in a very unlikely source. The movie is 'Road Trip' (yeah, it's one of those teenage adventure shitty crap - which makes you chuckle at how crude they can possibly get - this one is quite old and therefore, isn't so bad - it's surpisingly funny actually - nothing like band camp/naked mile/superbad). In this one of the characters (part of the main four) is constantly smoking weed. In one scene as he speaks to Grandpa Manilow - 

Grandpa: Are you gonna pass that doobie, or what?
Doobie? Yeah. Yeah, sorry.
Uh, thanks.
You know what your problem is?
You're all brains. Not enough cock and balls.
Actually, uh, people have been telling me that my whole life. In the sixth grade I got so worried about the situation in lraq, that I was on an adult dosage of Xanax. And by eighth grade, I was in therapy three times a week. And the truth is, weed is the only thing that could balance me out. (Source)

I think the root cause of all addiction is simple. It's boredom. All other causes (peer pressure, curiosity - well this stems from boredom anyway, emotional weakness) are secondary or may be triggers, at best. It all happens because you're bored. It is due to this that you seem to look for some way (by doing or consuming various things), to induce a chemical reaction that keeps the brain occupied (the aim being to get over the boredom). This leads me to believe that intelligent people are more suceptible to such addiction. It's a lot easier to bore an intelligent person than it is to bore a stupid person. 

Perhaps that is just it. We are constantly in a state of balancing our instant gratification with long term gain. This is possibly because we find ourselves without an aim, a direction. So many people feel there is no point in working (or living) as there is no passion in their life or there is really nothing to expect, except drudgery (myself included). 

But I digress.

I'm not addicted to weed, cocaine, alcohol, nicotine or tobacco. It's something that could either be far more serious or far less. For once, I feel helpless and totally out of control over it. Maybe the time has come to finally swallow my pride and ask for help and support. Maybe not just yet. I've gotten through everything else myself, I see no reason why I can't get through this one (oh yeah, that's still the pride talking - I haven't resorted to the 12 step programme yet, no reason to start now). 

Law school definitely doesn't help with any of this. It takes something as unique and interesting as the law and with te 'brilliant' teachers makes it as interesting, engaging and exciting as golf. Perhaps what we need are younger teachers, teachers who can better relate to students (NOT the juris freak, who'll just burst into tears if we asked him a doubt he could not answer). Courses need to be more engaging and should be taught with more vigour. Most teachers are so unenthused that students themselves feel there's absolutely no point in studying or bothering about the course ('scamming' being an easier, more efficient, quicker and possibly more rewarding way of dealing with courses). Criminal Law, wich is possibly the most intriguing of all laws was made into a drawn out lull, a dull ache that needed to be ignored (of course it did end with a bang for most of the batch). Quite simply, instead of cribbing about drug addiction in law school, the admin is much better off trying to understand why it happens and for god's sake improve the state of affairs in academics. If that is sorted out, everything would fall into place. Is it truly that difficult to find good teachers? What happens to all those fees we pay anyway?

GAANCHALI BIDI, KANNADA MAATHAADI…….!!

Got this as an email forward. Pasted, as is. Absolutely stunning (and quite true). Forgive the formatting.

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is Raghu, an Indian guy. 

Bill Gates thanked all the candidates for coming and asking those who do not know JAVA programs to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Raghu says to Himself, "I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll Give it a try". 

Bill Gates asked the candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people to leave. 2000 people leave the room. Raghu says to himself 

"I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?" So he stays. 

Then Bill Gates asked candidates who do not have management diplomas to leave. 500 people leave the room. Raghu says to himself , "I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?" So he stays in the room. 

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbian - Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. 

Raghu says to himself, " I do not speak one word of Serbian - Croat but what do I have to lose?" So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. 

Everyone else has gone. 

Bill Gates joined them and said "Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language." 

Calmly, Raghu turns to the other candidate and says "En guru, aarama?" 

The other candidate answers "Nann magane, Sooryange Torcha??" 

GAANCHALI BIDI, KANNADA MAATHAADI…….!!

News!

News!

Is this really news? I mean, how could ANYONE (i refer here to the reporters) be so daft? I mean, who is stupider? The reporters or the French Government who apologised?

The Tmes Of India, a few weeks ago had on their first page a solemn report of some 200 odd deaths in a blast. On the right column they had a headline "Balle Balle at Galle" praising Harbhajan's greatness. Apart from the fact that the headline does NOT rhyme (no it's not pronounced that way), it seems a little insensitive. Below the fold on the same page, they had something about Shah Rukh's ankle getting sprained when he slipped on a diamond which had fallen off his wall, while he was exiting his Phantom. Why on earth is the news so irrelevant? 

Coming to Page 3, as shown in the movie brilliantly, what's the point? Who the hell cares what parties happen and who attended? It irks me to no end to read all this gossip about all these stars. But I still do. Personally, I think it's just us looking for cranks, holes or mistakes in the celebrities so we can always say, "Oh, they're human, too". Just lucky, compared to us. Why do we derive so much pleasure in others faults?

Personally, I have no qualms gossiping or 'sliming', or being slimed for that matter. In law school, it is taken to an extreme, but I never have had any issues with it. Sometimes it gets upsetting, but most of the time, it is just humour. The fact that my slime is heard by the party being slimed, has never concerned me. Such 'sliming', and I use the term as used in law school, is not done with any malice and is not meant to be secret. 

But there is one sort of 'sliming', a kind that disgusts me. It is when things are reported which have never been said, or never happened, without making it abs clear that it is a joke, with an intent to deceive or knowing that it is likely to deceive. This is something I just cannot stand. There is a thin line between such 'bitching' (as i term it) and 'sliming'. For me, the latter is perfectly acceptable.

I think the test lies in whether you mind if the party concerned happens to be standing behind you, as you speak. If you do, then it's best not said, for it shows you lack the courage to say it to the person's face. In such a case, it's best to keep quiet and not 'slime' or 'bitch'.

Some ppl of course make no distinction between the two. It's all the same to them. It is to these ppl that I would like to point out that ANY talk about another person, when the person is not around, positive or negative, can be regarded as 'sliming', as per their own definition. I am also confident that these ppl who complain about how slimy law school is, are actually the slimiest of them all. For not only do they slime, they also claim to abhor it. 

The funniest aspect of all this is that I've been called a 'slime' so many times that it ceases to affect me. I take pride nowadays in being called a 'slime'. I wonder, would calling me a 'slime', in itself, also amount to 'sliming'?

Mooting (and its futility?)

This may be a late response, but it is more than a response. I just use her post a starting point.

The temptation to write an angsty post about the futility of mooting is almost impossible to resist.

Almost.

Pssssst. It's futile. Completely. Don't whore your soul to inevitable ignominy.

Most times, how random things get, are funny, maybe even surprising. It is when one is at the receiving end of the brunt of the randomness, that how distressing it actually is, seems to hit one. Well, I am no judge of a moot court or the rankings, but in my eyes, the entire system followed in the University Selections (for that is ALL the experience in a moot court I have) seems absolutely random. 

I am not a stranger to this absolutely random arbitrariness. When in a college where the teachers have autonomy, it is normal to see such random results almost never commensurate with merit. It was slightly unnerving at first, but ince it always seemed to affect me positively, I chose to ignore it. 

Apart from my subjective opinion that people who were more deserving and most definitely better (myself not included) ended below those who didn't or weren't, I feel there are certain empirical reasons to believe that my mooting experience has been totally random. Three rounds of moots and not one bit of similarity between them. After 2 memorials and 6 judges (well 600 marks of orals, at any rate), it seems odd that the ranks ended up being determined by one judge, whose range of marking (3 to 70 odd) skewed all ranks. Well, the point of this post is not to crib. It is quite the opposite, actually.

I feel, as must be apparent already, that I deserved to do better than I actually did. I ended up somewhere near half, when my memorial marks alone would have placed me in the Top 10. My second round oral marls, total of three judges (out of 300) was less than my memo score (out of 100). But even after all this, I dont believe mooting is futile. I feel I learnt so much more from these 3 weeks than I had learnt in my entire law school life till date. Mooting helps in more ways than one. It helps you learn procedure. It helps you learn to research (quickly and accurately). It helps you focus. It helps you think. It helps you in myriad ways. 

What I am essentially trying to say is that apart from the slime, the randomness, the absolute disappointment etc etc, I still came out wealthier than I went in. What I regret is not doing this in my Second Year. I plan, as of now, to carry this on to my 5th. I may never make the top 5 due to the randomness, or because I'm just not good enough. But that is NOT the only reason I wish to moot. The entire process.

The process of spending one week thinking of nothing but the problem. Doing research. Every little argument is a victory. The satisfaction of looking at a finished memorial printed a few hours early to check objective errors. The euphoria of looking at the memo pass from your hands and into the hands of the MCS member, just in time, after running from Swathi. The process of looking to defend and make your arguments in absolute unpredictable randomness. The entire process makes mooting absolutely worth it. I would much rather write a dozen memos in a week than write a project, although even one of the former is more work than one of the latter.

At the end of all of this, the randomness seems so minor. The results are insignificant. It is the process that is meant to be enjoyed, and enjoyable it definitely is. After all, how much less (rather more) random, are actual Courts?

Palin

Seems Blogger's changed since I was last here. Whole new interface, new features etc etc. Seems the world DOES actually move on when I'm not around. That's good to hear of course, considering I can't be in all places at once.

I've decided to start writing again, but before I do, I just wanted to embed some videos of Palin. These are just spectacular.

Here's a link to the interviews of which the above was part.

Couric: You've cited Alaska's proximity to Russia as part of your foreign policy experience. What did you mean by that?

Sarah Palin: That Alaska has a very narrow maritime border between a foreign country, Russia, and, on our other side, the land-boundary that we have with Canada. It's funny that a comment like that was kinda made to … I don't know, you know … reporters.

Couric: Mocked?

Palin: Yeah, mocked, I guess that's the word, yeah.

Couric: Well, explain to me why that enhances your foreign-policy credentials.

Palin: Well, it certainly does, because our, our next-door neighbors are foreign countries, there in the state that I am the executive of. And there…

Couric: Have you ever been involved in any negotiations, for example, with the Russians?

Palin: We have trade missions back and forth, we do. It's very important when you consider even national security issues with Russia. As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border. It is from Alaska that we send those out to make sure that an eye is being kept on this very powerful nation, Russia, because they are right there, they are right next to our state. (Source: CBS)

And finally, the follow up to the first interview!

Zeitgeist

Just got through part 1. Highly thought provoking. Religion being an astrotheological interpretation of the Sun's movements.

Parts 2 and 3 deal with more contemporary issues including 9/11. Worth watching for sure. Very gripping and very bold. It's not like BullShit! by Penn and Teller. It actually has brilliant substance and is not just mindless ranting.

American based as can be expected, but definitely not Hollywood esque. Well structured and well worded. Seems neutral and unbiased.

(Updated) Just going through Part II now. It's lost most of its neutrality. It's become another 911 demolition conspiracy theory as used by the United States as a self inflicted wound for greater control over the people. An excuse for a communist way of government in a democracy. Seems very believable as do all such documentaries. But here, it gets a little too sentimental, and understandably so. The Gauntlet has an excellent critique of the documentary.

Do I think 911 was facilitated or staged by the government. I would definitely say, yes. Intelligence operations has reached that stage in the world where everything is known at least a few hours before it happens, most of the time days and weeks before it happens. The USA cannot be incompetent in this field. The 911 "attack" was a tragedy, but it was a controlled tragedy. A common enemy syndrome emerged and it was immensely profitable to Cheney, Bush and the others. Check Haliburton for instance. A cost plus contract during a recession? Very shady indeed. The 911 commission report alluded to in the movie can be found here.

Ethics?

Will ethics and morality keep us from scientific advancement?

The prolem with ethics and moraliy is the fact that they are too stringent. Wouldn't life be a lot simpler without such unnecessary and unwanted blinders? In the study of Psychology, ethics is a major concern. How far can human experimentation proceed? Can the Fritzl family be studied for a "Nature v. Nurture" argument? Can the argument be, that considering they have already been through so much, there is no point in putting someone else through all that in order to study them and they should therefore be kept in a glass cage for a couple of years? Maybe they are used to it already. Maybe, their sacrifice will provide groundbreaking insight into the human mind. Is scientific advancement for the many superior to the rights and dignities of a few?

One Monday We Killed Them All

Author: John D. MacDonald.

Book starts off brilliantly giving an amazing insight into the life of an honest policeman and the prison system. Makes one wonder, think and contemplate how judges who sentence people live with themselves. Especially, if there is a little evidence he missed out and ruined someone's life in the process. The book gets tiring in the middle and turns into a Clancy at the end. On the whole, very disappointing. Was hoping for a lot more, at least it should've kept up the pace and toned down on the James Bond/Rambo action sequences.

Started with Henry Cecil's first book. The Painswick Line. Brilliant thus far. Hope it keeps up. Will write about it when I'm done.

Farenheit 451

4 damn years.

It had been 4 years since I read a book that wasn a Kolfer, a Rowling, a text book or a book for some course. It seems I picked the perfect book to read considering this. A book about books being burnt. About books being destroyed as they made people think and therefore, unhappy. A book about making life so fast that there was no time to think. About making sure the television (or parlour walls) allowed no scope to think or discuss anything important.

This book is not only thought provoking, but very deep and profound in its message. Other than its obvious relevance to censorship, it also deals with the politics of dissent, where anyone who owned books was arrested, people who thought were ostracised and people who went into the why rather than the how of things were sent to psychiatrists. It explains how one person is never important. It's always about groups. One person can only make a difference when he has others following him in his mission. The fact that change is inevitable. The fact that no autocracy can ever last. There is always a reaction to every action.

The english used in this book may get tiring at times, but the thought provoking bits keep you wondering for hours after. This book talks of the difficulty of dealing with the unmoving cattle of the majority. The majority that watches as the minority is slaughtered.

What is even more interesting is the afterword written by the author. He says his books and plays often get requests to be re written keeping some minority interests in mind. He rejects all these requests. he says, "If Mormons do not like my plays, let them write their own. If the Irish hate my Dublin stories, let them rent type writers. If teachers and grammar school editors find my jawbreaker sentences mushmilk their teeth, let them eat stale cake dunked in weak tea of their ownn ungodly manufacture."

Essentially, everyone has a right to speech. If u have a problem with what I say, respond. Start your own blog. Stand up for yourself. Dont go crying to mama (or the faculty as the case may be).

This book is a must read. It deals with all aspects of life, freedom and liberty. One can draw innumerable allusions to present day life, with life becoming so fast that most interaction happens on gtalk than in person, with life becoming so fast that people are full of themselves and have no time to open up to other ideas, with life becoming so dull that the only excitement one gets is from watching movies instead of reading, inter personal interaction and most importantly, thinking for oneself. The book essentially deals with this in great detail. The power of thought. The power of memory. The power of knowledge. The book talks about two essential requirements. 1)Quality of information, 2) leisure to digest it. The first is not necessarily from books. It can be from a teacher (not the ones we have at the law school), a movie, anything. But what's more important is time given to difest it. Without this time, we see that little knowledge is a dangerous thing. As is evident in this book.

I went out and bought myself a translated copy of Mein Kampf today. I'm sick and tired of the inefficient democracy and the incessant fence sitting. Something needs to be done, and soon. I guess I'll read 1984 online before moving onto Mein Kampf. Reading is something that one should never give up. No matter what. I must thank my brother pestering me to read Dune (which I will soon), Chand Bibi and her "Look at me, I read all the time" and of course Tiny and the incessant insults. But I assume they were all catalysts and would like to believe I would have rekindled the habit all by myself.

I also like to believe the world revolves around me.

Bangkok

As I was sifting through the old files on my computer, I came across two notepad files which dealt with my two day experience in Bangkok recently. I suppose I always intended to put it up here, but never actually found the time and inclination to do so. Until now, that is.

There's actually no free Wireless Internet access from the Bangalore International Airport. I remember it was at the Bombay Airport. The only access here is through a ridiculuously expensive TATA Indicom WIFI connection. So there go my plans of killing the 2 hrs I have to sit in the airport, online. I am actually typing this on notepad and will upload it when i get an internet connection.

I will write this as and when i can depending on where i go and if there is anything worth writing about.

Day 1: Its 2035 hrs and I cant wait for my flight at 2245. Somehow as of now I dont feel as exhilerated as I normally used to while sitting in the International Waiting Terminal. (Maybe I have just added in the exhileration to my memories and they did not really ever exist.) Why do I come so early to the airport? Its something my family has done for ages. I just stick to the plan! I see absolutely no popint in coming here and waiting. A little later wouldn really result in my killing someone or my missing the flight. MENTAL NOTE - 2 hrs in advance will do henceforth. :)

Anyway, heres THE plan. I am headed to Bangkok. :)

I will stay 2 days there and hopefully get to see a lotta stuff. No actual plan for once I get there. That I shall formulate only after reaching. I just hope I dont miss out on anything. After that I head to LA on a 14 and half hour non stop flight. It seems kinda scary. 14 and a half hrs. No wonder this airline (THAI) is so cheap.

I then stay the night at LA and leave on another flight the next evening. So thats the plan. I finished typing this pretty early. ITs only 2043 now. DAMN. Guess I'll just ve to "read" after all.

Day 1 (contd)

So here I sit at the Suvarnabhumi airport waiting (as usual) for my travel agent rep to come and pick me up. Its now 545. Hes expected at 6. So no cause for worry yet. Thai Airways. What can i say? Its probably the sickest airline I have ever travelled in. I would compare he experience to my experience with Air Deccan. Except that was one hour. This happened to 3 and a half. The next one is 14 and a half. My god. I wonder how torturuous that would be.

By the time I boarded (and I was one of the first), there was abolutely no place to keep by cabin baggage. This added to my long list of woes as i had to keep the huge bag near my foot throughout. The food came out pretty late around 35 mins after take off. The food trays were not cleared till 30 mins before landing. So I could not sleep the entire journey. The tray being out behind me I could not put my seat back. The person next to me seemed to have no issues though. He slept like a bloody log. Had to pry his eyes open whenever I needed to go to the loo.

The food itself! I was provided Indian Veg instead of Jain veg food (YES! I am finicky abt my food). The food was terrible. All I could eat was bun and butter. They were out of tomato juice as well. The flight on the whole was terrible. There was no personal entertainment either. I was stuck watching the big screen in front. Putting all this together, it left me in a terrible state. As I sit in the airport and wait, I cannot help but dread the next flight tomo evening. However, not letting that disturb me, I look forward to a brilliant time at Bangkok. Quite unexpectedly, there is no Free Wi Fi here either. So Bangalore's not so bad after all. The airport itself is huge and very very impressive. It is built beautifully and seems quite empty. Probably cos its not even 6 yet.

I shall continue with this probably in 2 days time as i dont expect time to type while here. I shall upload it the minute I get free Wi Fi. Anywhere.

Day 2 and 3

I could write abt all i saw in Bangkok but theres really no point. It is pretty much like going to Chennai. The only highlight was, however, my visit to Khao San Road on Day 3. I chked out of my hotel arnd 1215 and then went out and caught a tuk tuk (much like an auto, only a lot more spacious and better looking) to khao san road. As is usual with all "auto" drivers, he started me off at 200 B. I did not even see a meter in these tuk tuks. No idea where theyre supposed to be. Anyway, i offered him 25 B where he had quoted 200. He made a face after which I was sure he would just unload me and tell me to get lost. Instead, he was adamant and said 120 B.

For some reason, I felt I shouldn pay anymore than 100 B for this. I have no idea how much it actually is. So I told him I cannot give him anymore than 50 B cos the hotel ppl told me not to pay more than 50. So he said 100, I said 70. Finally I agreed to pay 80 B. The guy started at 200 so i guess i did ok (im trying to console myself. Leave me alone).

The road itself is brilliant. Its closed to traffic pretty much (except for the odd tuk tuk) and people get to walk happily. Right out in the open they were selling pirated software, games, absolutely anything u wanted was available here. A little further and there were boards advertising sale of student cards, press cards, driving licenses and diplomas from a list of colleges. I was intrigued to say the least. After a little T- Shirt shopping, I decided to head back as I had my pick up from the hotel to the airport at 4. It was then 245.

As i decided very reluctantly that it was time to leave, I started looking out for tuk tuks. Instead I was pulled aside by a "bike taxi" man. I then haggled with him over the price and finally agreed at 100 B. But I had no clue where my hotel and I had left all papers pertaining to the airport in my bag back at the hotel. I somehow found my tour iterinary and got the bike taxi man to call me tour operator to find the address of the hotel. So then I was off. Ripping on a Yamaha (god knws wat model - I dont really care). He said his name was "CHUCK-IT" (at least thats wat i heard).

After i told him i was 19, he started trying really really really hard to be a pimp. He said, while taking one hand off the bike to better illustrate, "Thailand great place for young boy. Lots to do. Can do everything. Fucking Wucking and all." As intrigued as i was by this man, I had no interest, inclination or time to see a hooker. So I said no thanks. But as can be expected he did not give up. He pulled out a pamphlet from his pocket which read "Embassy" which had photos of lots of gals and was some kinda flyer. Still I did not wish to make this man think my curousity was interest so i just said i was not interested. Being persistent beyond this, was not expected. He said "Thai girl, good humping (taking both hands off the bike very briefly to make me understand). Only 1 hour. U not miss flight. On the way. U young boy. University student. U can tell all frnds that u fuck THAI girl."

As brilliant as that marketing might have been to any other person, i was unmoved. So i just said no again. After that to the airport was dull, considering I got no action after all. I was told in the airport that the flight was delayed till 11. I could crib a lot abt wat happened at the airport, the terrible economy class treatment I received, the number of lounges I was turned out of and about how I ended up spending 4 hours in an empty air conditioned pub where I got them to change the music to soft rock, but am not in the mood. Also, my flight's boarding soon.

Ode to thee

Cant figure out a name for the poem. Will name it after the person I decide to dedicate it to. It follows the Shakespearean Sonnet rhyme scheme. My shitty poetry always makes me smile.

Oft had I, these songs heard,
The wisdom of which I could not tell.
Ere you, my life a surd,
Unravelled by thee, as I fell.

Tried have I, many a time,
But failed always, until now.
My life thus far, worth not a dime,
And all of a sudden, I own the Dow.

Up the mountains and into the sea,
Through the darkness and the light.
It is with you I wish to be,
and seek to spend the waking night.

In my presence, yet out of my sight,
For you shall I wait, and wait with all my might.

Tagged (wonder who started this)

Tagged by Chand Bibi. Sometimes she cant make it on her own.

Last movie seen in a theatre:

Iron Man: Caught the late show 2 days ago. What a wasteful expenditure. Crossing Nagarbhavi Main Road gives a better thrill.

What book are you reading?

Psychology and Law by Bartol and Bartol.

Favourite board game:

Ah... The last one I played was abrubtly stopped when my dog decided to pee in the middle of the board. Have stayed away from board games since.

Favourite magazine:

Cosmo, without a doubt.

Favourite smells:

The rain, the beach and the person who tagged me.

Favourite sound:

My voice.

Worst feeling in the world?

Being ignored. Esp when my dog's angry.

What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

"I think I can afford to miss this class"

Favourite fast food place:

Adigas.

Future child’s name:

Kiran, regardless of the gender (I think parents who name their kids Kiran really hate their kids).

Finish this statement, “If I had a lot of money I’d…”

travel with Chand Bibi.

Do you drive fast?

Of course not. Speed thrills, but kills.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

Depends on who's asking.

Storms - Cool or Scary?

Neither. Actually, both.

Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

Stay away from all vegetables. They're evil.

If you could dye your hair any colour, what would be your choice?

The colours on my blog.

Name all the different cities/towns you have lived in:

Bangalore, State College (PA), Tempe (AZ), London, Rome, Paris, Cairo, Bangkok (one night) and Athens. As far as I can remember.

Favourite sports to watch:

Hmm. Is it a sport? I havn played or watched in almost a year. How sad. (and frustrating?)

One nice thing about the person who sent this to you:

She gets flustered when she's hit on. Intelligent, otherwise.

What’s under your bed?

My bucket. My phone, most nights.

Would you like to be born as yourself again?

Absolutely. Only way to live.

Morning person or night owl?

Sometime mid evening, 10 o clock-ish, when I'm wide awake and fresh.

Over easy or sunny side up?

? I'm vegetarian. Killing animals is bad. Onions are cruel. They also put dirty thoughts in your head.

Favourite place to relax:

Beach. Or high up on a hill. Depends on who I'm with.

Favourite pie:

Chocolate, if theres one like that (Thought American was too cliched).

Favourite ice cream flavour:

Black currant with chocolate chip.

You pass this tag to –

Bones and her boyfriend.

Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first?

Bones' boyfriend. Which will prompt Bones to do it as well. Bones, being the pricey person she is, needs two tags and her boyfriend to take notice.

A change of Heart

Three middle aged ladies just got to my gate to give me BJP printed information much like a voter ID, with everything but the picture. I mean, I already have a voter ID, but this would have made things so much easier to get it. Even if I did not have a voter ID, this could enable me to vote a lot easier and faster.

This is practically a master stroke as I see it. Almost every constituency has a BJP candidate and his picture at the bottom of the chit which houses all the necessary details to vote. I think I just decided to vote for BJP (considering Yeddy's a lingayat and all, I assume he's not like Modi).

But then again, maybe I shouldn't be so easily swayed just cos they had ONE good idea, which made things easier. Maybe what I should do is to vote for Congress. Corruption seems to be a small price to pay considering it's probably common to all three parties anyway. But if the JD(S) and Congress are together, then I'll be voting for treachery.

This is too much pressure on my shoulders. I'm just 19, damn it.

What happened to humour?

I think I'm turning Bihari. At least my sense of humour seems to have disappeared. I just hope my sex appeal dusn follow. The funniest jokes I have come up with lately:

Why is the law important? Because one can have just one father, but many fathers in law.

Where are you from? I am from the National Loss School.

Somebody save me. Please.

This actually reminds me of a time when I was at BASE. There was a stunningly accurate rumour about the funniest joke at NPS (National Public School - Very nerdy school, quite famous. Have their own entrance exam for +2).

Two atoms are walking down the road, when one of them turns and says to the other, "I think I just lost an electron". The other one asks, "Are you sure?"

So the first atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive".

Treachery, Corruption or Communalism?

With the upcoming Karnataka assembly election, a tough decision awaits the people. Three parties vie for power - JD (S) with Kumaraswamy and Gowda, BJP with Bookanakere Siddalingaswamy Yediyurappa and Congress with no leaders and the insufferable Krishna (who still awaits a ticket from Sonia Gandhi).

I even thought Presidential rule extended might do the city good. But, no. Its just the Congress ruling from the centre and collecting the proceeds there. So what exactly can we do? I, for one am voting for an independent. This way, I have done my duty as a citizen, while I would not have contributed to any of the vile motives of the three parties. Karnataka politics is truly a black mark on democracy. It shows that even when there is no booth capturing and rigging like in the North, democracy can be left useless when the only options you have are such. Maybe what we need is communism. The CPI should make a grand entry into Karnataka and behind it should follow, naxalites and other maoists. Karnataka can be the next Nepal. We can then secede to China (and live happily ever after).

Why on earth has politics reached such a pathetic stage all over India? I wonder at times whether it is at all worth studying law in a premier institute when you have to apply what is passed by an obviously incompetent legislature chasing its own ends. The legislature to be controlled on these political lines would mean the law would be reflective of their idiotic whims and fancies.

Today's Economic Times contains a full page interview of Yediyurappa. Among many other interesting things, he also says, "We have demonstrated that a BJP government would ensure social justice and equality to all." What the Economic Times forgot to ask him was whether his "all" included anyone but upper caste Hindu Brahmins. He even promised to give the Lokayukta more power to curb corruption. He went AS far as to say that his manifesto is "like our Gita, Quran and Bible". The headline was a quote from within the interview which reads "Gowda can't fool people again" (emphasis added).

My only hope is that the Economic Times will continue to interview more political leaders in the coming days. Among all the pathos, one can find a thin slice of entertainment. The last and final laugh before the world comes crashing down all around you.

This, is politics.

I'm Listening

Recently, there was a peer counselling meeting to take forward what was taught to us a couple of months ago (yes, I'm a qualified peer counsellor. I have single handedly been associated with 4 suicide attempts). Moving beyond the obvious promptness of the meeting, I think the entire peer counselling training was quite a sham and beyond that, peer counselling even if done well would have absolutely no positive influence on the crud and slime that make up most of the NLS (myself included).

The training itself had a couple of slides and a bunch of women telling us how counselling is done and how one should look beyond oneself etc etc. Why then was it a sham? Well me, the hairy mallu and the scary gult sat together and tried very hard to be part of the activities on the first day, which was dominated by the decent chom and the red bull mascot. 

If something is to be dominated by the red bull mascot being the teachers pet, spouting statements like "I used to think smoking was cool". I think we can agree the teachers might not be all that astute. Maybe they  just needed someone to listen to them talking. That the mascot seemed to achieve, interspersed with the decent chom making statements like "I am the spirit", something which he seriously believes by the way. Taking nothing away from his spiritual beliefs, I don't think that it was a very relevant or interesting statement to make given the context.

Hoping the next day would be better, praying for an extension and not wanting to waste our 300 Rs. investment, all of us found ourselves at the centre, the second day as well. The second day started off with the decent chom recanting how one day of training had helped him achieve a different stance with people he talked to. (He told someone to relax, instead of telling him to chill)

Upon questioning, he refused to betray the trust of the person concerned and reveal his identity considering the exceedingly personal nature of the verbal intercourse (they discussed how the person had not yet started his projects 6 days prior to submission. A situation which would, of course, drive any law schoolite mad considering how early projects are normally submitted). This of course is a very good start to a life of peer counselling. Keeping secrets. Which brings me to why a peer counselling initiative, done right, would still serve no purpose.

The essentials of peer counselling include trust and being non judgemental. Both these are so easily achieved in a close knit community like law school. The person you are talking to would be refering to some problem within law school which would essentailly translate into someone else who you know, who you already have an opinion about. Regardless of the lack of use of names, the news is bound to travel. Law school is not a place for secrets. Hardly anything remains a secret. About being non judgemental, I dont see how the egoistic, self centered, bright upcoming citizens that law school is grooming CAN ever be judgemental.

So what is the purpose of peer counselling? Maybe it could transform into some kinda dating helpline cos we donr have enough of that in law school as of now. Maybe the college would even chip in and pay the phone bills of the peer counsellors. What we need is a counsellor. A neutral third party who knows absolutely no one on campus. Who can be trusted with a story cos he/she has absolutely nothing to gain spouting it. Not even entertainment value. At least it wont be spouted within law school or to a law schoolite. This is what we should be aiming at.

Peer counselling cannot handle people in alw school. Nothing would change. People need to go out more and integrate themselves with the surroundings. When was the last time you went to a college fest and saw, if not met, new people? Maybe the information interchange programme thought of by the Fat Odiya is something we all need. Definitely, the call of the hour is for people outside to be called in. 

We should stop being so egoistic as to believe we can solve all the problems within ourselves.  It's quite obvious we can't. We need to be self sufficient, understanding, sensitive, YES. But will that stop someone who wants to actually jump, from jumping? I say, no. Trust is hard to come by in law school, and even when found, it is easily betrayed. To create trust between new friends, old trust is always betrayed. I'm confident, you have never betrayed anyone's trust. I mean, how could you? You're a law schoolite. We're the epitome of morality and ethics.

What can be done about the worsening situation among law schoolites? GET A COUNSELLOR. GET PEOPLE FROM OUTSIDE TO TALK. When any such initiative is taken, get your asses out of bed and come take part. Meet NEW people for a change. Dont sit in your room and crib about how the localites dont understand how modern we all are. Go out, mingle, get to know people. Nothing wrong about knowing people outside your little circle of misfits. But most important of all, when there is an initiative for interaction with outsiders, be it a talk on jurisprudence or a talk on dope, sex and other adoloscent issues, try to make it to the talk instead of sleeping around or wasting time cribbing and moping. We, at law school need holistic development. It would be pathetic to be broken destroyed people who can only spout the law sitting at a desk cos litigation is obviously out of the question for most of us.

We need to understand our actions now will have a lasting effect later in life.  The fact that we are the spirit does not immunise our bodies from all the spirits and nicotine we consume. Maybe it was time to find alternate forms of distraction. Maybe support is all that is lacking. If people stopped being lazy, things could happen. Peer counselling is a good example. A badly conceived idea, with hopeless implementation got around 20 people to attend (each paying good money). Maybe a slightly better idea would get 40 people to attend, and this 40 might blossom into 400 over the course of a couple of years.

That, is my hope.

Good Charlotte and Sum 41

Gautam's theme songs with lyrics.




Sum 41 - Still Waiting

Same ve(a)in.

A sheep named Stalin

This post is a response to the irresponsible accusations about the movie Charlie Wilson's war made here. The post above talks about how bad the movie was.  

Anyone who takes the trouble to look beyond the obvious would be able to appreciate that the movie was exactly as it should be in order to convey a message about how the people who suffer are always those who are in the battle zone, while the congressman enjoys his recliner and Julia Roberts. (Much like the trading in agricultural derivatives in the Indian market is making farmers suffer)

What does one look for in a movie? The impact, the story, the cinematography? Maybe for a non movie buff, all one looks for is the sleaze. However, being able to appreciate the finer nuances of a movie is what makes a movie worth watching.

First of all, the film is by no means, a "comedy". It wasn't meant to be one. It follows the normal Tom Hanks tradition of satire and sarcasm during lighter moments in order to convey a deeper message to a wider audience (the sleaze catering to a particularly shallow audience - north indians, for instance).

Second, if someone were to watch the movie and get ANYTHING out of it, it would be that it was so easy to wage war (getting 500 million dollars for the purpose) and pretty much impossible to get a million for reconstruction of schools. The movie is extremely relevant as of now as the US is treading the same path in Iraq. If a democrat gets elected, the promise to withdraw troops would result in a similar situation as has been shown here. 

The entire movie talks of the futility of war and more relevantly, the futility of a cold war. It shows the amount of horse trading that seems necessary to ensure that weapons just reach the agents. The CIA agent explains the story of the Zen Master  and the little boy at the end of the movie although there is an allusion to it right at the first meeting with Wilson. The station chief at Islamabad seem to echo the sentiment of the cold war. All this looks to show us how war serves no purpose.

Tom Hanks pulls off a Tom Hanks as usual and is as stunning as ever. Julia Roberts cant look bad no matter what she does or wears and the entire movie is built up brilliantly to deliver the message at the end. The ending would not have had its impact if it had not been built up they way it had. It is important, of course, to understand that the movie was screened at an International Relations course to show how insanely ludicrous and historically doctored it was. But that seems to have slipped notice. The movie makes you think. It makes everyone think. You would say something as insanely egoistic as dialogue being imperative only if you feel if u have a monopoly over thinking for yourself. You call it a premier legal institute. Maybe someone else, at least 2 other people in that room that day other than you could possibly think and understand the significance of the screening. I personally find nothing wrong with this movie being screened and would go as far as to say, it was a good choice.

I am confident that a blog entry is not a start of anything. You wanna actually do something abt it (and not just crib endlessly and yell at everyone in sight to get responsibility)? Then blogging is definitely not the answer. You have to start somewhere where it matters.

Lastly, Communism deserves to be stereotyped. 

It is the most wretched form of government there is, was or ever will be. 

Communist pigs do not value the meaning and fragility of life (here i refer to the communist leaders and not every communist citizen in general - after all the leaders are the basis for judging the cause anyway). Why then, should we respect theirs? I have been a Marxist socialist most of my life and the one thing  I hate more than capitalist blood sucking, is communism.

I believe in one principle of morality around which i have structured 
my entire life. 

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 

Raghu Dixit Project

There's something about a local artist/band/singer that evokes a sudden rush of patriotism. It of course helps a LOT if the artist is actually good. I recently decided to buy a cd of the Raghu Dixit Project. I feel it was 159 Rs. well spent. This song is in Kannada, but the chap sings in flawless English (not whole songs, but some lines) and Hindi as well. It is truly rare to find someone with a good pronunciation in all three languages. I will put up the lyrics sometime (translated and in kannada), just not now.

Bored, Ignored, Irritated and Miffed.

FINALLY found a site which had all the info abt the IPL teams. It HAD to be BBC.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/cricket/7340985.stm

Sitting in a TP class is akin to the chinese water torture.

Vacation!

A hectic vacation is quite like a cumbersome girlfriend. You're in it for some form of distraction from the monotonous boredom, yet you feel more stressed than relaxed at the end of it. It is due to this that a vacation should ordinarily be kept relaxed with ample time to get sleep.

My programme for 3 weeks looks like this. I leave for Gokarna 12th night and return on the 15th early morning. 2 days later, on the 17th afternoon i go to Goa and return late night on the 20th. From the 26th, I have my mid term exams.

I returned from Gokarna yesterday in the Morning. What i realised about travel is that the destination is quite as important as the journey, unless the journey itself is fun. When I think of the old saying about how lifes a journey and not a destination, I can only say its bull shit. Lifes as much the destination as the journey. Especially when the journey's bumpy. When the journey's smooth u tend to ignore the destination and enjoy the journey. So lifes all abt the destination. Its just that one seems to forget the destination when one's enjoying the journey which makesthe journey painless and the destination worthwhile. I do not say for a minute that an EASY journey is necessarily a good journey. A good journey is one which keeps u distracted from everything else, yet allows u to be aware of the final destination.

Why this came up is due to my recent tryst with VRL travels. The bus itself is probably the worst ive ever seen. The seats are quite uncomfortable, the bus has no suspension and the driver seems to mistake the bus for a Formula 1 car. The bus ride lasted nearly 12 hrs, when i boarded the bus at 745 at Jayanagar and reached Gokarna at 730 in the morning. Gokarna was of course insanely hot. Upon reaching Gokarna, we hired a taxi for all nine of us to get to Kudle Beach. When we reached the end of the road traversable by the sumo, we walked down a precarious hill. My compadres decided they wanted to save money and opted to stay in shacks with no fan (not even a table fan), lots of mosquitoes and a common loo which was a 20 minute walk away. I was accused of being elitist for deciding to stay at a decent hotel with an ATTACHED loo. Of course, 3 others followed suit and the difference per head was 150 Rs (in my eyes it was easily worth 225 a head, at least for the fan). The beach itself was absolutely clean with no man made or natural garbage, or faeces. It is a joy to see such a sparklingly clean beach.

I ended up going on a boat ride to help pass the time at the beach when 5 of the others decided to trek up a hill to watch the sunset. The boat took us to the nearby beaches - Om, Paradise and Half Moon. We got to see the sun turn orange from the middle of the sea, with the motor off and peacefully. I then jumped into the water arnd 300 m from shore and attempted to swim back. From under the water, all i could see was the boat and was hence using that as a beacon to guide me to shore. However, the boatmen decided that if I died itd be on his conscience and decided to go in a circle arnd me to ensure my safety. Due to this, I lost direction and had to stop and yell, "Which way to the shore?" To which the response from the boat was "Keep swimming straight". I finally made it back to shore and the kinda high that ensued was quite exhilirating. I had always wanted to do that. I did learn something important from this journey though. Waves recede. DO NOT DO BUTTERFLY IN THE SEA CLOSE TO THE SHORE.

The second day was just relaxed and 5 decided to trek up the hill in the scorching and walk the TAR roads of Gokarna in order to shop. Being lazy as i was, I stayed back with 2 of my chain smoking roommates, who cudn ve made it had they wanted to and a tiny little girl for whom the hill seemed like Everest (above a certain height, all mountains look the same height for relatively shorter people). We stayed back and rented a boat instead which took us around the mountain and dropped us off at the beach. Being as stupid as i normally am, i got my jeans wet by standing in the beach. The way back was quite complicated as the "majestic" VRL bus only started from Honnavar. We had 8 tickets on this bus and 1 on a direct Gokarna to Bangalore bus. We sent one of the responsible girls alone in the first bus and 8 of us set off on a local NWKRTC bus to Kumta and then Honnavar from there. We reached in time to ve rock hard idlis and oily puris later catching the VRL bus and leaving.

We all had sleepers on this bus and the tiny girl had motion sickness throughout (how she came back, stayed awake in class and gave a case presentation is BEYOND me). We finally got off near Rajajinagar and made it back to campus well in time for class. On the whole it was a fun experience. I now look forward to indulging in some water sports in Goa. My flight leaves in just over 11 hours from now.

American, Chinese, German, American, French, Syrian, English or Japanese?

I just got done watching CHINATOWN. Its a 1974 movie with Jack Nicholson. After watching this movie, I felt I should compare some movies I have seen which seem to have the same resounding effect on me. Some movies just refuse to leave you and stick with u for a very long time. There is always something to learn and remember in all such movies.

So here they are:

Shawshank Redemption: This essentially turns into a feel good movie towards the end slightly lessening its blow.

Chinatown: Just stunning. It takes its own time to sink in, but when it does, you are left to think abt a masterpiece. What makes this movie one of the best I have ever seen? Attention to detail. Every little seemingly useless moment seems to have some significance and connection in a grand scheme of things. Every actor has given his best and directed to perfection. It does not have a happy ending or a pleasant storyline. Chinatown could represent modern day china. The movie is remarkable and a must watch for any movie watcher who watches movies for the story and not the violence or sex.

Leben der Anderen, Das: What do u get when u put in a stunning babe in a movie with a rivetting story? The Lives of others is unquestionably exciting and involving. It is one such movie where one dusn mind reading the screen throughout. (This movie motivated me to try and learn german. Haven got v far yet)

Bucket List: Two terminally ill cancer patients who decide to do stuff before they die. So wat? The two patients are Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. Thats what. Need any more be said? Well, it is a very moving movie with not much of a story, but a brilliant character sketch and the meaning of life, love and regret. Very well made and beautiful cinematography.

Leon: Crafted like a madeleine, the movie talks of violence yet shows no gruesome or macabre scenes. By the end, you find yourself rooting for a professional hitman who kills with no mercy. The entire character sketch is brilliant and Portman steals the show as usual (even when she was 12). Slow at times, but that is necessary to build up the character. (This movie should NOT be compared to Hitman, which is by far the worst movie I have ever seen in any language (and ive seen my share of the bad ones). The movie hitman should be avoided unless the other option is death. Even then, its a tough decision.)

Syriana (Stephen Gaghan film starring Clooney - Thanks, Bobo): This movie is nowhere near as good as "Good Night and Good Luck". I wouldn recommend this movie unless u have 2 hrs of time to kill and feel like getting into intense drivel with a sad and torturous ending. Chinatown is a much better movie and seeks to convey the exact same message. The rich will triumph over the poor. Come what may. This movie is on par with "Confessions of a dangerous mind" (Clooney's direction if im not mistaken).

The Third Man: BRILLIANT. Just Magnificient. Its a must see and theres no question abt it. Every dialogue has been crafted to perfection. It shows the American "protagonist" as a TRUE american. Well what sets it apart from the rest of the movies in this list? Its a BRITISH movie (Made by London films). Nothing more need be said about its obvious superiority.

Rashomon: Slow, Painful, yet still worth watching. How so? Some dialogues may seem quite anti feminist (who cares?), but the movie is not. It is very well shown and shows man's nature of overplaying EVERYTHING in order to look good. Should one have faith in man? I would say NO. Cynics are the most suited men for this planet for they are the only ones who can TRULY understand man's nature. This movie proves the dictum of HOUSE MD, "Everybody Lies". (Again, a British lead to make an American show a hit)

Ugly Feminists?

I woke up today wondering why EVERY feminist I have ever known has um... not been very pretty. Is it that feminists are unattractive or unattractive people are feminists?

Quite obviously the latter is quite untrue cos ive known many unattractive people who weren feminists. The sad part is looking at a reasonably attractive person and wondering, "hmmm.. wudn this person be attractive if she wasn a feminist?"

I mean, Im all for equal rights, but to writhe on the floor and beg, appealing to the good nature and conscience of man is quite pathetic. Pitiful, even.

In my limited experience, in today's world, ugly feminist is quite redundant. Maybe in a couple of years, we can finally use the words interchangeably.

SHOULD FEMINISTS BE ALLOWED TO FIGHT FOR THE COUNTRY IN THE ARMY?

I feel yes. Lets appease them. Lets send ALL the feminists to the front and then wait for war. It serves so many purposes. Ill just list three. One, and MOST "IMPORTANT", we accet the demands of the feminists. So theyl shut up for sometime. Two, the averae beauty of the world would just sky rocket upward. Three, well, peace in the world at last.

Rammstein - Amerika

Hillary is ocassionally human

"I did mis-speak the other day. You know this has been a very long campaign [laughs] so occasionally I am a human being like everybody else."

OKAY, A TYRANT?

The word okay is one of the most used words in the English language. In common usage, it's used over 10 times in EVERY conversation. But the origin of the word has been shrouded in mystery until recently.

Archaeologist Peter Armstrong recently deciphered documents found at a house in London. The documents were, for the greater part, saved from the great fire of london due to being buried in the ground. The documents were unearthed just under a year ago when a six year old boy was "digging for treasure" in his garden.

These documents have been verified for authenticity and conclusively prove that OKay was a tyrant. The papers meticulously document a war where Okay was finally overthrown. At the end of a war which claimed over a thousand innocent lives, to ensure that no other innocent life was claimed, "Are you Okay?" was the last question Okay was asked before he found himself at the wrong end of a musket.

Armstrong believes that by using his name so often, we keep alive one of the worst tyrants who ever lived; a person who could put Saddam Hussein to shame (although the number of people killed were far fewer, the atrocities committed were far worse). The usage of the term in mostly a positive or neutral way has resulted in making "okay", a household name.

Megalomania

I received a message from an unrecognised number this morning. It was quite simple, precise and conveyed a very important message. It read "This is my new number."

MOSES WAS HIGH!

Apparently all the biblical adventures of moses are easily explained by the fact that moses was high! Seems very believable to me.

Nash

Another brilliant one (obviously not mine)

Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."

British Letter to Americans

I seriously wish I could take credit for this joke. Its brilliant.

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to pell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2009. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French
for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler.Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2009) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $7/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. You will stop calling the United Kingdom; England. England is a region of the UK not a country.

16. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.